He tells me that im to worried. I think things over to much. My mind needs to be at calm and that i should just forget the past. But how do i exactly forget the past if thats what brought us here? I may not show it but my heart is empty most of the time and when i give trust i always get hurt somehow. I tried to back off and play the game of a woman who just wants fun and her heart set aside. Your heart is glued to all decisions though unconsciously which is wrong.... i sit here in my heated house in sweats and a hoodie but yet im still shivering with goosebumps that cores my body as my mind plays tricks on me. His words flow through my thoughts and his whispers are pressing me in closer. I now feel that i am the one to blame.... well am i? I suppose as a women i dont have a right to bitch and scream. My body feels weak but my mind is powering through. Mixed signs all around me just make my path more difficult. Its time to give up and throw the rest to the side. Take me back to Oz and tell him i dont want a heart.... he can take back his courage.... and theres no room for a brain. Hopefully i can go home empty and in the morning when i wake up from this delightful dream i can re play it in my mind until i find "the one" to fill me with love and sweet thoughts. Im just waiting till my cards play out. We are young and i know my words hurt but i want life in my hands so we can dance under the stars like our old dreams played us out to be one day. "Ill be seeing you... in all the old familiar places... that this heart of mine embraces... all day through" will play softly through the summer nights while we sway closely together in the middle of the vacant streets as we see everything as a haze but each other.

mister sandman i know your not mean

but please give me some time to dream

my life plays tricks which seem

to kill my laughs and causes me to act .....

pipes

Shit honestly happens to me when i least expect it. When great things come my way i feel unsure and scared that hey "its way to good to be true" and then in the end some how all my good streak gets fucked up. Usually its me to blame for the idiotic things that happen but this one time i get fucked big time and i had nothing to do with it. It was blame by association and i just realized that i need to be a lone to succeed. Lonliness should hold me with their fresh cold hands and rock me abck and forth as i shut my eyes to sleep. Im back to the stage which got me here its all good a few more steps ill take and my care taker will take me back. Hes strong and tells me im not helpless i hope i can put trust in this time. I can give trust in his words but not sure if it will happen like this affect of domino's i set out my life to be of misleading events paved in the way of disaster for my misfortune.

u

Im a mess. My result of this false happiness has brought me down. I know result in objects to give me a high on life. I cant feel distant from it because ive made it a part of me. I want all to see how life would be from my side. Step into my shoes and see through the eyes that are hazed and damp. New outlook on life might change your perspective on this girl who just pursues others happiness for hers. I hide behind my tears but its all good it all happens for a reason. Maybe one day when the cards flip you'll choose your words more careful dont worry we will be fine in the end. Our image of the future will come a truth if you keep it in your heart. Its never blurred but you see it in this false image. Its fine that we have gone on a roller coaster of life but now i want our feet to touch the ground as we swoop through the air. I want to be planted with you for eternity by the river of happiness because without happiness our goals are faded. Our life and environment is revolved on what makes us happy. I want you to know that you make me happy and always have been hopefully i can do the same for you. My mind wonders with the beat of the list of songs you conjured up which was titled on the actions you believed in to pursue your success. Now i see hidden signals within the words my smile appears thinking about you. You have kidnapped my thoughts and my heart. Our fights are like little games we catch up and slow down maybe i can help it out more. Im trying read this and see what happens. I Slip with my substances. I think i should give them up u seem different around me when i indulge in certain behaviors.

me

Every night before i close my eyes to sleep

I look back on my day and see how weakness progressed throughout that week.

My days have slowed down in pace for a while but

honestly there is nothing on file to keep a steady rhythm to follow life

Hiding so much on the insides kills me....

It really kills me.

Kills me like the medication I indulge, the smoke puffed around me, and the radiation i cant oppose.

It really kills.

THe lies i have to follow.

The secrets never made me feel so hollow.

But how its harder to stick to as my days loose energy.

It really...

But hold on, its not a (disease?), maybe a blessing

A flash of actuality in reality...maybe I'm mistaken with fatality.

It....

Wake up in the morning with lies to hold

Smiles to pose, and energy to show I know how the days will go.

It really kills me.

when im at the pearly gates this will be on video tape

You will be surprised the feeling of being infinite is much more than people put it out to be.

Significant and Insignificant moments which will be cherished:

A surprising weekend in a shushed college town came out to be a night where chemistry really hit me. I was excepted as an adult, and my first few steps were truly memorable. My sister gave me freedom and space to express myself. We started off this weekend by a small get-together with her significant other, at my mystery man's humble abode. He started off by giving me hidden smiles and kind gestures. At this moment my eyes were glazed and my feelings were supposedly "unreal" so i kept at a distance so i could study him from a far. A few more drinks knocked back and the jokes kept rolling. After losing kings cup and beer pong; my sister, her boyfriend, and her friends went out to get ice for the rest of the beverages. My mystery man was the only one who stayed back. He kept me warm company just by his sweet words. The best part was that no small talk was exchanged it was just one of those types of conversations which you know the other person is listening and all you can do is talk. Having to much to drink my eyes fluttered and he layed me down on the couch to put me to sleep. He had given me warmth, hope, and a blanket that night. I truly never thought in my wildest dreams that this would happen in this sleepy joe town (sc). By the passing minutes this visit became more freeing :Beers in the day time at the beach, wearing inappropriate clothing, and my mystery man. That sandy day at the beach i road the waves like i used to as a little child. Dancing, splashing, and swmining through each wave got me lifted and i realized this is where i belong. I purposly tanned for the first time and i felt like life is so much easier than i make it out to be. After being at the beach the whole day we came back to my sister's apartment and a bottle of red wine was shared between me and her. It was early evening and the plan was already set out for me to do something wild and crazy. I was shocked that this much freedom was thrown at me, but for who i am i accpented every bit of it. The plan was for the whole group to go to the Poet. As i being younger than the crowd i didnt have a id and was basically fucked. Luckly we found an extra id and after a few shots my confidence boosted and i tried to knock up my first club. Sadly enough i was reject by the stupid Poet where my mystery man and his buddies where at. But i was i was motivated to get in to one so i tried the Blue Lagoon and man right when the bouncer stamped baby on my hand i knew i did it and was in. As i walked in the guys there were really friendly, asking if they could buy me drinks and dance, but really what was on my mind was that man i met the night before. Trying to keep the night young my sister and I hit up the bar and ordered two sex on the beaches and let our body's feel the beat of the music. Every drink was like another careless dance move, absolutley brilliant. I made the dance floor my home. Swaying to the beat, moving my hips, sipping on my drink. It was all so real but felt like i was in a deep sleep. After a half an hour of just me and my sister at the club i saw my sisters bf and was still waiting for my mystery man. While dancing quiet smashed i felt this pair of hands caress my hips. His hands were warm and moved me to his beat. I was to scared to look back since i truly felt that this was him, the one i was waiting for all night. Just before i tried to look back, he pulled back my hair and whispered in my ear that he was glad he found me here. As we danced the night away he pressed his body closer to mine as the songs changed. Movements shifted into us gridinging and holding each other like we were together. At this moment i can sincerly say i was infinite. I had met him a day before and felt sparks fly. The 'unreal' feelings i was feeling the night before became a reality and where definatley real. My mystery man held me through everysong, when the music stopped and the club shut down at 2 am, he picked me up and dropped me off to my sister and her bf. My heart was beating more than it ever had before and my night was complete. This trip will go down in history in my books and his name will forever be left as a mystery.

stranger

In life you only find a hand few of people whom you encounter which are worth the tears, pain, and laughs. The day i walked up to a young girl in red plat-form shoes i knew that this would be a journey that my imagination couldn't preview for me. As she grew, my knowledge of love, trust, and family became more apparent. My life couldnt have had a more spectacular moment then when i faced my long life soul mate/sister. Her words have nourished me like a mother does to her young. Never selfish just gave me love and thats all what was truly needed. As she left for her trip to a far away land, i look at a blank airplane with nothing more than tears. I know she'll come back home.

Giving away your heart fully to someone never ends up good. If you give too much, you will end up broken and pieces which wont go back together. But if you give a little at a time then your love is questioned. "What a bunch of fools!," throwing around a shitty word like love. Only one syllable long and 4 letters, then why so precious? The next encounter i had, was with one of the very special few as a healthy plump young chap walked his way towards me and showed me his knife collection. Terrified i kept away and was always the odd ball out, last one picked for games and never aloud in the kool kids club. Years eventually passed and then he started feeling things he couldnt explain. I trusted fully and gave everything but in the end still alone waiting and wishing that one day he will also come back home to me.

Being alone is a difficult task. Building up inside like an atomic bomb waiting for the time to run out so it can destroy everywhere and not worrying about anything in the way. Do you remember when you were a little kiddo? Didnt know better than to make friends with everyone and anyone? Well i was certain this special someone would always be here with me until the day i died. Sadly this was incorrect on my part because everyone grows up and moves on. "Ouch!" i first met him in a small accident with me and the stairs. Being young i was fascinated people older than me would want to talk and be friendly. He gave me his hand and started fixing me up with his first aid kit. My best friend forever certainly couldnt leave me after helping me. He was with me when i experienced the best summer of my life. As kids do during wild canadian summers he took me to McDonalds where he worked. The treasure box of gifts always put a smile on my face, and made me even more attached to him. Each summer I would go and visit my best friend. We both were growing and no one could do anything about it. As we were the first time we met, he kept taking care of me every time i fell and held me when i cried. It was beautiful and ended so quickly. My eyes flashed, i couldnt see anything besides the car and bottle of booze. He left without a fair well and like a fool i am still waiting and wishing for him to come home.



wakeeb
monkey
china

you can offer me escape

Since feeling lost, writing has been become my escape. My only escape from reality which makes me sure that my words are safe, even if my feelings are not. Every day things are changing and its constant. Its a scary feeling to let go of everything and move forward. This year things have just been happening and people keep leaving me. Maybe its my fault and its time for me to let go of all and not to give a fuck about anything. I really do think maybe this was the last time things could be the way they were. This world im in right now is a world which no one should ever experience. I hope your life is like cotton candy: Crisp sugar, light and fluffy. Nothing will ever make sense.